Feeling Good

Lights, flashing lights, fog, beating drums, music, thumping beats, and darkness await us in the many clubs we will visit during Friday or Saturday night.  The music was so loud, I couldn’t hear myself talk!  I loved it!  It always felt as if we were walking into another galaxy.  My heartbeat became one with the beat of the music.  The earlier in the morning it became the louder the music was, sirens rang within the music constantly and the club was air was filled with a laser light show and fog.

First of all, one had to prepare at home to have the perfect outfit, make-up, and hair for the evening.  I also had to pre-drink to get a bit high before meeting my friends.  Once my friends and I met, we also had pre-club cocktails.  Drinks were very expensive at the clubs.  Then, there were always the long lines to get accepted/chosen into the club.  Somehow, my friends and I were always chosen to go in.

We always dressed well, very sophisticated and young; only 15.  The discos always had mirrored walls and ceilings, flashing strobe lights, and red velvet seats.    Usually, the decor was state-of-the-art!  The sound systems were the size of freezers.  I always felt myself thumping until Monday afternoons.

I loved dancing!  I would dance all night; I got lost in it.  Drinking was my number one goal of the evening and then letting loose on the dance floor.

Drinking was my way of feeling different, feeling normal, feeling sexy, having fun, and not feeling at all.

I believe I liked feeling nothing at all the most.  My childhood wasn’t a good one.  I was about eight when I started getting into my parent’s liquor cabinet; taking small amounts of each bottle worked for a while.  This became a habit.  It made me feel good!  I witnessed my parents, relatives, and friends drinking and laughing as if they didn’t have a care in the world.   I was eight, what were my worries?  I was afraid… I would drink to help me sleep and to escape.  I would then find a place to sleep in the closets, under beds, the basement, and in the attic.   As it turned out, I had many reasons to make me want to forget, I wanted to get away from reality!  This pattern happened on an ongoing basis for years.  Tears.

From age eight through fifteen, I just wanted to escape!  Didn’t want to be alive.  To be honest, I don’t remember much of this period.  I remember being bullied from grammar school up until high school age.  I felt bullied at home, school, and at my cousin’s house.  I was in a constant state of fear.  Drinking was the only thing that took the fear away.  The only thing.

At sixteen, I fell in love.  My first love taught me drinking was also for fun!  So, I drank for fun too.  Unfortunately, by this age, I was addicted to alcohol; It controlled my life.

By 1983, I was chugging bourbons and my life was unmanageable.  I didn’t want to follow in my father and brother’s footsteps; that was not an option for me.   After driving drunk on 3 major highways and not remembering any of it, and being date raped one evening,  I decided to stop drinking.

38 years later I feel normal, sexy, different, fun and just feel without alcohol.   I can get high on life itself now.

Categories AA, Alcoholism, DepressionTags , , , , , , ,

2 thoughts on “Feeling Good

  1. It is really good that you have had your victory over alcoholism and violence. You can be proud of yourself. Congratulations 🌺🌹💐🌼🌸🌻

    Liked by 1 person

  2. love your post and congratulations!!! so awesome!
    Thanks for the follow! glad to meet you. Stay in touch and enjoy our WP family! 💖🌷

    Liked by 1 person

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